We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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