my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you had me at cake vodka
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
