Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
