I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
