I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize