My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So here I am, sexting at work.
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