"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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