I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize