in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
