my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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