I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
