Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
