Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
