Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
