Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
