Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
