If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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