He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
