my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
