He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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