I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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