i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
