wrigley field is MILF paradise
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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