I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
