ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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