i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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