Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
