Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
