When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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