Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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