What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
