got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
