Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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