I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
