just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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