By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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