so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
