You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
