I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
