there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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