May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
