You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
