I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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