It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
