just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
