He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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