we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
