I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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