I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
