I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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