I'm really into asian looking animals
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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