Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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