just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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