my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
