$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize