I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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