i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
