4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
