i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
