While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So much rum. So many feels.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
