I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize