I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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