Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
