I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
