This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
