My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also, beer. Big fan.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
