I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
